INTERVIEWS

INTERVIEWS

Friday, August 1, 2014

Who is behind @hkarnutzoffical?

recently i've become the victim of identity theft online. someone's pretending to be me on twitter. i have yet to alert the authorities. the perpetrator @hkarnutzoffical, has yet to be brought to justice and no, i do not have schizophrenia. i spelled "schizophrenia" right on the first try. whoever it is has access to my facebook profile and "lifted" a pic of me from my cousin's college graduation party. the pic's fine because i look like a hunk in it but @hkarnutzoffical is saying 3 miller lites did me in one day and that's where i draw the line. and no this isn't a "oh he created a new twitter profile and is now blogging about it wat a clever idea, wat a stud and he deserves my attention" kind of deal." this is for real. and i've been drinking. is this wat i create whence i black out? no. i'm serious. and i have no reason to believe this is a jilted ex-lover or old friend. we are in too deep for that. and everybody can see that they spelled "official" wrong too, right?

I WOULD NEVER TWEET THIS

Evidence:
someone who would have access to my facebook to steal pictures of me
obviously someone i've crossed paths with
first two bands it followed: krill, ava luna
followed first in order: me, @krilliamhmacy, @eisrecords, @explodingnsound, @avalunaband(?), @tonyhawk, @nfl, @KingJames .....
I would never follow fucking Tony Hawk or LeBron.


Suspects:

Small Wonder: one of those first gut instincts but almost too easy. sure i basically burned him to the ground for skipping out on two geronimo! brooklyn shows, but he's probably too drunk to even attempt this. and he's so egotistical that he would've been the first band @hkarnutzoffical would follow
Sharpless: pretty much all he does is hang out with a dog now, he really has nothing else to do but doesn't seem like the type to pull this off
Dan Goldin/EIS Records: previously accused of being behind my real account anyway, why wouldn't he pursue more publicity through such means? but he's busy enough as it is why would he bother
Two Inch Astronaut: my number one suspect. sam has everything to prove and nothing to lose. has also accused me of playing bass before and this account is rolling with it. i know it's you sam just give it up already and admit it. very likely
Pile: of course not.
The Fatty Acids: probably not. josh is too busy looking at cats and listening to icp but the breakfast boys did play with krill and ava luna in milwaukee that time i brought a funnel and cooler.... but the one guy's a school teacher so he probably has better morals than to do this
Darl: no. he's terrible at twitter
Shark?: interacts with new account and might be playing dumb or just dumb.
Big Ups: we don't get along and joe's not tough enough to pull this off. probably not carlos or amar. don't know other guy's name/don't care
Washer: highly suspicious of them but i also don't believe they're smart enough to pull this off. have you even seen @boogerspit? but they do think they're clever
Platinum Boys: jk. rat wouldn't do this but i still don't trust the platinum boys yet. and that one time that one guy said he would beat me up
Dogs in Ecstasy: very jealous of my pigeon shirt, seeks vengeance but it's highly unlikely someone from Milwaukee is behind this

Palehound: i still don't particularly like them. they have every reason to attack me and max won't finish our interview. sleeper suspect 
Frankie Cosmos: (immature account linked here. look up the "professional account" your damn self) have you seen that interview. and the questions you didn't see from that interview are all the more reason for greta to do it
Krill: obvious, but too obvious. my account has been recently accused of being run by ezra furman's brother himself but i believe he's too busy and too depressed to bother doing this. and too stupid
Sat Nite Duets: Steve could never pull this off. Ben would have no reason to except for his suspicious recent texts and tweets. Andy might but it's very unlikely. he hates my guts too much to waste his time on this. but the more i think about it he's got every reason to do it, i still don't think it's them
Ava Luna: why in the hell would an account based on me follow ava luna so early? of course the only one that would be guilty here would obviously be julian. he runs their "hilariously ironic" account
LVL UP: recently i may have badmouthed the new LVL UP release ($17 for the new lp, really?). tie in double double whammy to this too.

TO BE CONTINUED 
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