INTERVIEW: THE FATTY ACIDS (well sort of an interview)

josh from The Fatty Acids sat down (or stood up, i don't know) and answered some of the hardest hitting questions you'll find on the ol 'net and is sharing their new video. it's near the bottom so you'll have to read most of this just to get to it. and no, you can't just search youtube for the fatty acids worst part. that won't work. yes i'm aware the new krill song came out today but you've probably already listened to it so forget about it and read this. stop talking about krill in other bands interviews it's very disrespectful.

Obligatory find The Fatty Acids here:
Creepy Website
Bandcamp
Facebook
Twitter
abandoned shopping malls

-----------------------------------------------------------

H: i probably shouldn't be eating peanuts in bed 

The Fatty Acids: Just saw the Bob's Burgers episode where Linda is drunk and she goes, "Time to go to bed. Let's go crackers, you're coming with me." It made me LOL.

H: here we go for real
first of all i have to get this off my chest. was Football Team inspired by your days of high school football when you dropped a perfectly thrown pass in the state championship game costing your team the game and now 13 years later you want a chance at redemption by having the game played over even though everybody now is outta shape and it's hilarious much like the plot to the 1986 Robin Williams movie The Best of Times?

FAT: It's funny you ask because I kinda wanted to play football in elementary school (all the cool kids did), but my Dad wouldn't let me. Something about "kids shouldn't be treating the things that house their brains like battering rams," or some bullshit. So yeah, I am a field fairy for life. I really like your idea for a rematch though. That would be so funny.

H: it's my favorite Fatty Acids song (and better than every sat nite duets song)

FAT: Cool, good to hear that about SND. I wish we could play it live, but it's like impossible to sing? I guess the whole song is kinda scream-sung and I have the voice stamina of a pre-pubescent, just entering his or her special time? 

H: ooh watch out. this could potentially become a major sat nite duets diss-view

FAT: More like fat bite poohats LMFDO

H: you know they cheat at nfl blitz but wont admit it

FAT: I only knew because you are constantly tweeting this. Thank you for having the courage to speak out about it.

no problem

H: i may have yet to win but look at the circumstances:

not sober 

FAT: NP

H: i only play football games from this millennium

FAT: Dang there goes my "Music Blogger NES Tecmo Super Bowl Tournament 2014" idea

H: given bad controller only to be told months later "here's one with analog sticks"

FAT: haha

H: elvis grbac big head glitch

FAT: Hm

H: ok let's forget about them
now let's bash krill. hold on we'll do that later

FAT: K

H: describe your "sound" without using the words scramblepop or moist

FAT: Sexually ambiguous

H: if you could say one thing to krill what would it be (besides the whole email fiasco of 2013)

FAT: How do I confuse Exploding In Sound Records into thinking my band is good and getting them to sign us?

H: it worked for them
but i do i take back some of the things i said about them at the SND release show. But they are still not to be trusted

FAT: I know what you mean, look at the whole email fiasco of 2013, when it took Jonah like a month just to write me back!!!

H: what happened to Rat Baptist?

FAT: Rat is actually still around. He's been baptizing rats and smoking them up (in blunt format) on the regular.

H: the new vid will probably be great (blah blah blah insert longer explanation later) with past successes like Astrovan and Airsick

FAT: I think it's pretty neat. I don't know if it will hold up to those Kurt Raether Classics (KRCs), though.

H: the Unscreened/Conjugal Visit wasn't too shabby either

FAT: Thanks. It was ridiculously fun to make.

H: i don't smoke but i think i would look cooler if i did

FAT: No doubt 

H: Who do you wanna see win the super bowl?

FAT: I'd like to see Peyton Manning win the World Prize and then Father John (From Father John Pizza Co.) is there sucking him off at the Congrats Party but young Peyton can't get hard unless Father John starts talking about not wanting to give his employees healthcare.

H: i bring this up because the last time i stayed at sat nite duets house was the sunday the day before Aaron Rodgers got hurt

FAT: Dark Days

H: sometimes early in the day i will think of something very specific and then later that night i'll see it on tv. if that's not me being a psychic than what is it?

FAT: That's pretty strange. I'm very skeptical about psychic abilities, but there are all sorts of mysteries about human consciousness. For instance, do you know about the global consciousness project?

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Global_Consciousness_Project

Random number generators "seem to be influenced by human consciousness to bring about a less-than-random sequence of data." This is one seemingly mystical idea that Carl Sagan was interested in, who was a skeptic to boot. "Supporters and skeptics have referred to the aim of the GCP as being analogous to detecting 'a great disturbance in The Force.'" Haha Star Wars is real.

H: Andy's going to hell! (for those that don't know Sat Nite Duets have a song titled Andy's Going to Heaven. get the joke now)

FAT: Check this out: RAW is War, War is Hell, Hell is real. Transitively, RAW IS REAL!!!

H: shit. probably should talk about Boléro at some point

FAT: Boring

H: and two thousand fourteen and all your endeavors

FAT: Boring

H: like like the the the death

FAT: Dope band

H: wait wait wait wait hold the fucking phone. what exactly do you have against juggalos?

FAT: nothing. they are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. Matt actually grew up in Oconomowoc which is Juggalo haven. They sell faygo at every store. They are legally required to.

actually the end of song mysteriously titled "Hugs yr Bones" is based on a fictional account of 4 or 5 juggalos CRUISING toward the Dark Carnival, not unlike Luke Skytracker cruising toward the Desertwalker in the Super NES (aka Super Famicom) version of Star Trackers: The Final Resort. You like are cruising in this Sandcruiser toward the Desertwalker and you can fly all day if you want, but you won't get any closer to the Desertwalker unless you start shooting and killing the little Sandsmen. Another nice tidbit you should maybe know if you want to understand our spiritual relationship with the fam is that we were juggalos for a halloween show in 2013 and performed "Miracles" live and heard at least one person unironically say "oh they're rapping now?

H: but sat nite d's better watch out because i narked to their boss

FAT: About Blitz, or...?

H: i don't recall

H: fuck it's hard doing interviews without drinking 

FAT: It's hard living in Wisconsin without drinking :/

H: when i was 6 i was big into the land before time. i watched the first one so much (specifically the scene where littlefoot's mom dies) over and over and over that the vhs got stuck in my 13 inch tv with a built in vcr. holy shit it took me 3 minutes to remember what a vcr was. have you seen snow dogs?

FAT: I can't remember

H: why do some people think the crayon itself tastes better than the crayon paper. i mean come on

FAT: yeah i guess WAX ADDICTS wouldn't agree with this sentiment lol shout outs to mickey and sam wassup dogs

H: My last interview for Dead Wives got them 30 (and counting) more likes on the all important facebook 
[you're welcome DW]

FAT: If a band is interviewed on a blog, and they didn't get any more likes on facebook, did the interview really even happen?

H: what inspires you? animorphs?

FAT: Animorphs

H: my 18 year old goldfish died last summer and i'm still pretty bummed about it

in. the.                 last summer

FAT: Sorry man.

What is your fav song on Manland? Every time I listen I pick a new one, but a lot of the time it's "Whipped."

H: *b*i*g* *w*o*r*m* 

H: your new vid will probably wipe the floor with that one ^

FAT: Yeah, I mean, God willing

H: what do you think of palehound (please be like "who?" or "who's palehound?")

FAT: "who?" or "who's palehound?" 

H: I PREFER BOYSCOUTS (the band and you can't find them on the net, suckers. ok you can at last.fm but you can't listen to them!)

FAT: One night Andy played me some Boyscouts and I played him some Churchill (uh oh this interview is going down a dark path of obscure references). A fun fact is that Tim (the man dancing in the "Worst Part" vid) and I were in that band together. I played drums and he simultaneously sang, played bass and keyboard! It was pretty irresponsible.

H: what are you listening to right now besides the voices in your head telling you to do stuff that you don't wanna do or shouldn't do

FAT: Nothing currently, but earlier made a pour-over coffee while listening to DEVO which was a real trip!!! Pretty irresponsible!!!

H: somebody told me you're a huge buckcherry fan

FAT: Who?

H: did you enjoy the new krill song.

FAT: Yea

H: the real one, that can only be found on my site

FAT: Oh... I listened to the one that was one Stereogum or COS or WTF ever. Don't tell Jonah, but I went to every blog that Krill had a write up on, and tried to find the email of the writer, and was like "Hi! Jonah from Krill sent me here! You should care about my band!" One guy responded, which was better than usual. This is my life, I guess.

H: is it true that Boléro is cuban for "get me off this island. i'm tired of hanging out with monkeys"?

FAT: I can't remember

H: If you don't wanna talk about Toledo then what do you wanna talk about? Care bears? Toaster strudels? 

FAT: I would talk about Toledo, we have had good times there as a band. We have drank 4loko in Toledo, and written a song about it. This was in Toledo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPp-pv4RW4Q

H: Or cap'n crunch because you're "breakfast"

FAT: I don't condone sugary cereal because of type 2 diabetes.

H: Are you feeling ok because you seem like your down in the dumps

FAT: I'm okay, I just got back from Hawaii, and so I'm especially cold and bitchy. 

H: Have you ever seen a waterfalls

FAT: Saw some in Hawaii.

H: I've been growing a grapefruit tree for 4 years now. When should I expect to start getting delicious nutritious grapefruit?

FAT: I think you're going to have to move to Hawaii.

H: I'm not even gonna go back and correct the autocorrect of Boléro to Toledo

FAT: We can talk about Boléro, what do you want to know about Hawaii or Bolero? 

H: Boléro

FAT: Ok, well... Boléro is our third LP. We are generally happy with it. We took lots and lots of time with finishing touches on it. We record and mix ourselves so it's easy to get caught up in that stuff. I wrote some of the songs on my laptop drifting around Europe. Some of the manic and sappy lyrics reflect that period. Bass player Derek also wrote a few of the songs, but he always makes me do melody stuff and write the lyrics because he is too busy educating the young or something??? All he has time for is to write bass parts??? But it's very collaborative in all. Everyone is doing what they want to be doing. Even if I told drummer Cole to play a certain beat, he would probably do something else. Which is good I think. We just basically tell guitar player Rat Baptist to solo at all times, but he is generally baptizing and smoking up rats. Kurt is bonkin around playin various things but he quit now so we are going to stop playing some Boléro stuff live for a while.

The title refers to a few different things, but is mostly a reflection on the life of Maurice Ravel. It refers to confronting the terror that during your greatest, most creative period in your life, your brain might be disintegrating. Or in the case of Dostoyevsky, your inconceivable joy might be caused by a tumor. On a less depressing note, Boléro also refers to the cyclical nature of things, relationships, drum machines, cats begging for snacks, etc

Um, but, yeah we have lots of beautiful, blue vinyls in our closet that we want to sell? 

H: Does the name FLAT SWAMP mean anything to you?
It should

FAT: Jeez. It's not ringing any bells... I feel like a lot of swamps are flat? Due to their swampy materials interacting with gravity?

H: You sure you haven't seen FLAT SWAMP written somewhere. maybe near a vertically written "lowt ide"?
Maybe like above a urinal somewhere
In a bar
In Milwaukee
$0.25

FAT: Listening to Flat Swamp now they are tite. Did you write them on the wall at Quarters Rock 'n Roll Palace? 

H:                   :]

H: Did you know if people want bolero for free all they have to do is download each individual track separately. Lifehack#

FAT: This is a good trick. I didn't know this. Should I be a fucking dick and make each separate song $1? I like the idea of people stealing it, though. I will be v happy indeed when I can find Bolero on Pirate Bay. Speaking of words that are supposed to have accents in them, this is the last time we name an album something with an accent in it!!!!!!! So much work to figure out how to get it in there!!!!!!!!

H: You can be a dick because I already have it. *puts on shades he bought from homeless dude outside Sat nite duets old house*

FAT: Can you explain this further?

i'm not gonna post my reply for legal purposes 

......
H: i'm very generous

FAT: sounds woundrous

wound dress

H: Why do you call yourself @kribberstinykin

FAT: Our band house is called Kribber's Tiny Kingdom (named after cat, Kribber, and drinking game based on said cat and subsequent fake record label based on aforementioned game and cat it's named after). When we made the twitter, that's all they would let us type. 

blogger is a bitch and won't let me easily post the video so just click on this sentence whenever to watch it 

FAT: The idea for the video was basically "hey let's rip of Fatboy Slim's 'Praise You' vid." I really wanted one static shot of my friend Tim dancing in NYC, preferably in a crowded area where he could interact with strangers. He is the most extroverted, charming, hilarious man I have ever met, and I knew it would be good no matter where he was/what he was doing. When I was out at CMJ I carried a boombox and camera around with me, but it just never worked out. So I asked Tim to send me some vids. A couple months later he gave me about 20 files, all shot on my friend Chrissy's iPhone. I took a crash course in Adobe Premiere, and this is what happened.

H: what if you changed your name to The Fatty ASSHEADS

FAT: lol now "they've" thought of everything!!!

Interview: DEAD WIVES; YES, THAT DEAD WIVES

i hope you enjoyed the grammys if you watched them. good job with all the "*insert obscure band name here* got snubbed" jokes. i was watching armageddon instead. but since that movie had so many commercials i tried to watch some of the grammys during the break but it too was on commercial. so then i watched the hangover part 2. i think it's ok but i've only seen it 1.5ish times. fuck those stupid robots. anyways here is a brand new interview you can read or print off and eat. either way just digest it.

i feel like i'm obligated to so here's all of dead wives stuff and according to last.fm they're "on tour"
bandcamp
face book 
twitter
myspace
good luck finding them anywhere else

H: why does my aunt always make lasagna every time there's a get together at her house?

DW: She's probably into Garfield.

H: what was it like to finally play in front of yours truly?

DW: I was nervous. By the way Hayden, thank you so much for not heckling. You also requesting 2 songs, one of which we actually had practiced, and you later tweeting that you want to sign us to your new label, ensuring us with the millions of dollars that we so rightfully deserve. I don't think Drummer Mike or Jumanji were nervous, but I was kinda buggin. Hayden, you are too powerful and intimidating. You're like the remote mob boss of Exploding In Sound.

H: You brought back the night terrors by saying jumanji. the monkey boy is evil

DW: Well his real name is Julian, but my cousin used to call him "The Ju Man," and eventually "Ju-Man" was expanded to "Jumanji." I'm pretty sure I saw this movie in the 90s, but I didn't pay attention very well. They play Jethro Tull in one part.

H: lowt ide?

lowt ide.

lowt ide!

DW: I'm happy you brought this up. Lowt Ide is not even music. My neighbor who used to piss on cats could make a better album than this. Lowt Ide's first album was mostly comprised of hedge clipper noises and a few songs where 80s (this dude we call 80s) would play flashy guitar solos while surrounded by chainsaws and rotting corpses. They're a disgusting stain on our beloved nation. If it hadn't been for Lowt Ide, Michael Jackson would still be alive today. The Satanists finally have a band to call their own. I think they think they're funny or something, but they're not. They used to hang out at Anal Cunt shows handing out job resumes and Lowt Ide CDs, where a writer from the Trumbull Times caught a listen and wrote their first big review: "I couldn't even get 5 seconds into this record without having to put my hands over my ears. By the time i had rushed over to the stereo to stop this horrendous atrocity, my speakers had blown out. Thanks a lot guys." They are a communist conspiracy designed by the government to distract the masses with their Satanic propensities. Their albums are funded by generous corporate sponsorship. Great men such as Billy Mays and Steve Jobs sealed their fate once writing grant checks to Lowt Ide. It's not a coincidence that they've since been eliminated. Lowt Ide's next album "Tag Sale" will be released in the Spring of 2014.

H: where is the dead wives doll today?

DW: It was in my grandma's house, but someone in my family might have taken it.

H: what was the inspiration behind don't stop bleeding. the lyrics are very enticing. it's probably the best song in the whole wide world

DW: I came home from work and that melody was stuck in my head. I think it sounds kinda stupid, but we turned it into a song anyway. I thought it sounded like Thurston Moore at first. The second part of the song came together about 8 months later after listening to Japandroids' "Post-Nothing" way too many times. The lyrics are purposely absurd. 

H: can you send me the dead wives doll

DW: I don't know where it is. But wherever it ended up, i'm sure it's really gross and covered in dust and dirt. 

H: i mean i will probably give you something for it

DW: Oh, well in that case maybe. 

H: do you believe in magic 

DW: And i hope you do. You'll always have a friend wearin' big red shoes.

H: you are dating yourself with that reference

H: let's not talk about lip keebler's dead wives

DW: Fair enough.

H: what does the future hold for dead wives? hibernation?

DW: Definitely not hibernation. More music and shows. Drummer Mike is engineering and mixing our full length. Two more 8-song demos may arrive within the next few months to complete Lip's Basement Trilogy. 

H: do you ever just sit on the couch and go man i am dead wives, i wish all my other projects could be this cool

DW: This happens with Lowt Ide.

H: i hope in 20-30 years dead wives is in a bank of america card commercial like the one with the old ladies and you're buying a weird beer and the rest of dead wives give you a wtf look but you too shrug it off like whatevs.

DW: Oh, you mean like the band actually appearing in a commercial. I thought you just meant one of our songs. Sadie says hi.

H: happy 13th birthday, are you pregnant yet?

DW: Good song. That's our Maroon 5 collab. I have very little memory of recording it.

H: let's make this a dead wives/lowt ide interview

DW: Yes, well, Lowt Ide has a release called "Tag Sale" coming out very soon. We've been recording it since 2009. Sadly, we were not able to include the lost classic "Pene de Caballo" (Spanish for "horse penis"), but it may be included on a future Lowt Ide album.

H: lowt ide #1 

DW: Lowt Ide ruined my life.

H: nah we better not do that. have you fucked a cement truck?

DW: I don't remember which song that is. Possibly one of the metal jams.

H: ok i'm done using lowt ide song titles as questions

DW: Okay!

H: aren't you like a librarian in real life?

DW: No, I go to school for library stuff. I might work at a college library someday maybe.

H: what is a normal saturday night like for dead wives? 

DW: Jumanji watches a lot of NBA and he's in The Screw-ups. Drummer Mike teaches guitar and drums n stuff, and he's like a rock band coach or something. I play shows with Speedy Ortiz a lot.

H: i just learned there are two mikes in dead wives

H: dead wives. dead wives. dead wives forever. dead wives forever and ever. what a great name dead wives is. nobody ever uses dead in a band name

DW: I'm kinda upset about the lack of Krill-related questions. We're aware that other bands have the word "dead" in their name, as unbelievable as that may sound. Dead Wives is named after the song "My Wife and My Dead Wife" by Robyn Hitchcock.

H: how many children do you have

DW: Do sperm count?

H: what would dead wives do with $50

DW: Shawarma with hummus and falafel. And beer.

H: do you like venison 

DW: I've never had it before. Tell me about it please. Are you a hunter?

H: deer meat is good. I used to be...

DW: Reformed, I see.

H: I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody! yeah i met that guy. who is the most famous person dead wives has met? yeah go ahead and say me that's cool and all but it would be better if you said someone else

DW: I'm not sure who you're referring to, but he sounds amazing. Is he a hunter? We've played with Ovlov who are pretty much the world's most famous band.

H: Obviously you've never seen cool runnings.. 

DW: Actually this was on the other night... I watched about 10 minutes of Cool Runnings with Devin McKnight and Elliot Colbert before falling asleep. If I recall correctly, this was John Candy's posthumous final movie. You might like Ween's "Chocolate and Cheese" LP which was dedicated to John Candy a few months later.

H: you recall incorrectly. his final movie was Canadian Bacon

H: i feel bad for knocking the slut life tape off the table in ny in a poor attempt at humor. it is a very good tape and didnt deserve that

DW: Now that I'm remembering that moment, it was actually kinda funny. Jeff Peck's intro song "10 Guitars" is the most important song on that tape.

H: what makes you cry

DW: "B-Kind" by Grass Is Green. Sad puppies are dicks because they make me feeling guilty for not crying at them.

H: should i become a cop

DW: God help us all.

H: look at yourself.. why don't you do something with your life

DW: Beer is something.

H: that's seinfeld

H: if you were not dead wives what would you be doing instead

DW: Abstract paintings of Hayden Karnutz.

H: if you could spell my name right that would be swell. please, it's right there in the email

DW: Ok... "Hayden Karnitz." What do I win?

H: probably nothing or a gun i made

H: next time i see dead wives should i wear a tuxedo and smoke a cigar

DW: Like Mr. Peanut? 

H: with a top hat too

DW: Like the Monopoly guy. 

H: but i thought it was still cool to rep that leather jacket last time. i looked tough

DW: Leather jackets are often a crucial accessory. Your leather jacket assists with your image of authority. I'm in a cover band called Gargamel, and the guitar player 80s (we call him "80s" because he's so 80s) occasionally wears a Napalm Death leather jacket to some of our shows. 

H: i told myself i would stop bringing up krill in interviews so let's not talk about them (put this in italics)

DW: Darl just mentioned that Krill should run for office.

H: durl is not too bright if he thinks that

DW: I would vote for Krill. Don't lie. You would vote for Krill. 

H: i mean three people can't run for one office spot

DW: But if they did, they would obviously win

H: you go on sesame street, but NOW YOU'RE DAD WIVES or DECENT WIVES

DW: Definitely Dad Wives. Snuffleupagus is dope.

H: what do you think you received for 2nd prize

DW: Oreo milkshakes.

H: when the fuck did i give you an oreo milkshake

DW: I just want one. Whether or not it's a gift from Hayden makes no diff.

H: omg you play with flatr swamp soon

DW: Yeah, i'm gonna see them in a few days at Berfest and then again when we play with them in Boston. I have double-drummer-emphathy for Theo because he's a songwriting drummer. Eventually, I'd like to book a series of shows featuring all the misfit/outcast "Side project" bands associated with Exploding in Sound. 

H: is this enough questions yet

DW: I was hoping to get more into the conspiracy behind Lowt Ide.

H: i guess that depends on your answers

DW: I guess that depends on your questions.

H: when was the last dead wives interview

DW: Dead Wives doesn't get interviewed because we suck.

H: sometimes i can't sleep but i don;t think it's insomnia yet. just like being nervous and stuff

DW: Oh yeah, those racing thoughts. I hate that shit. Sleeping is better than thinking.

H: lol on king of queens doug (kevin James) just said "i spilled your bath salts". remember when that was the craze

DW: We saw a really scary bath salts dude on the last Speedy Ortiz summer tour. He seemed very unpredictable and dangerous, just kinda wandering around the streets of Seattle. We got scared that he might overpower us and eat our faces, so we yelled something to the effect of "OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK IN THE CAR" and we all raced inside and watched this guy for a minute. He was sorta stumbling around and speaking really intense gibberish to no one in particular. We sped away when he started approaching our car. Seriously frightening.

H: here comes the boom (In the comedy Here Comes the Boom, former collegiate wrestler Scott Voss (Kevin James) is a 42-year-old apathetic biology teacher in a failing high school. When cutbacks threaten to cancel the music program and lay off its teacher (Henry Winkler,) Scott begins to raise money by moonlighting as a mixed martial arts fighter. Everyone thinks Scott is crazy - most of all the school nurse, Bella (Salma Hayek) - but in his quest, Scott gains something he never expected as he becomes a sensation that rallies the entire school.)

DW: I was saying "boo-urns." I'm pretty sure this interview was mostly incomprehensible, but whatever.

H: YOU never answered who killed graph

DW: Chuck Robidoux might be better for this question... As far as I know, their bass player Ry moved to the west coast, and they've occasionally reformed for a few one-off shows ever since. So basically, yes, the rumors are true... @killquilty killed graph. 

H: i've been saying this all along

it's obvious that i am better at MS Paint than krill

PREMIERE: KRILL - SWEET DEATH

Wow. I can't believe it but hear it here first, the new Krill song- Sweet Death. thanks a bunch to Krill for letting me premiere their new track.

Sweet Death, is the second song overall on the upcoming EP, Steve Hears Pile in Malden and Bursts into Tears.
The new track sees a different version of Krill, introducing gang vocals and also sound effects. Along with whistling and a horn section, Krill goes all in on Sweet Death. It features what may be the most vulgar lyrics Krill has ever wrote. But for how vulgar it may be it is also haunting with leadman Geoff Truman wailing watch me put this tail in a socket; she lights up just like a Christmas tree before warning don't try this at home. The sheer agony in Truman's voice whilst he whimpers you gotta love me when the song closes will keep you up at night... in anticipation of what Krill may someday become.

To Krillfinity and beyond.

SHPiMaBiT is out February 18th, 2014

Power Rankings: 1/18

i'm going to start ranking bands much like you would sports teams. i like sports. i hope tom brady tears his ACL tomorrow in the first quarter. maybe they released something new i'm digging or they're really old bums but i'm still diggin em. do honey smacks still exist? i haven't had a bowl of those probably since 2007. oh and earlier i think i might have suffered hearing damage in my left ear at work, but whatever. can't make those guns out of foam and duct tape. right now i'm eating chocolate chip waffles and beer and drinking wine. in bed. 

1. Lint - curse thee a great discovery that just missed out on my best of shit list because now it's 2014. sorry i was browsing pirates on wikipedia for 3 hours earlier. how many years until the rapture? OR did the rapture already happened and we are doomed to go on with this existence. anyways this is the reason why they are number one

2. Junius - damn, there's this new hot track giving a glimpse of what i've been missing so much since 2011. february is gonna be a pretty gosh darn good month.
but i fricken refuse to pay $4.50 for a Junius beer coozie. that's fucking ridiculous. 

3. Fax Holiday - first of all a lot of you are making a big mistake by not checking this out right now. i know you're just skimming through and you didn't listen to it. ok listen to it. now.  ....................................... get a taste yet? what i would do to get drunk at a fax holiday show that i would probably end up crying at. i tell you what man, i'll write a blank check {$32.48 currently in my checking account, [jk actually over $600]} and we'll make it happen. shit fuck cut from cloth hits me just as hard as chameleon does. 
jesus christ i just listened to it again and should move fax to number 1 but i've been listening to it for weeks now so we'll just keep it here, not to overindulge and i'm not editing shit

4. Grass is Greem - i still can't decide if vacation vinny is better than yeddo or not. that being said vv is ranked no lower than 2 in my top gIg albums. cum nut it would be 1 or 2 but apparently some postman does not care for post dick wave. or it's something else. i sense a conspiracy 

5. Dead Wives - soon the reason will be clear. very soon. but not too soon but i suppose sometime this week. oh and i finally saw dead wives live and had an epiphany and from here on out i will only do good for the world and its inhabitants 
this wine is shitty 

6. Big Ups - they probably just did the best interview they'll ever do in their [probably short] career. please stop emailing me carlos about your nerd games. it's getting annoying. good luck in the uk. 
Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga 
Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga 
Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga 
Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga Galarraga 
there it's settle. i am better than that other website 

7. Sat. Nite Duets - oh boy these fellas got themselves another classic music vid like them boys down in ol mil wa key do best. sorry i watched hee haw earlier and now i'm f'ed in the head a bit. 

8. Frankie Cosmos - yeah i guess this is a pretty good spot. good work aaron maine. unfortunately i won't be able to buy that new album as i refuse to buy anything from double double whammy because of that one time i accidentally bought a sirs album with a cantaloupe that had a face carved into it or something. 
ok i actually listened to it and i MAY get it.

9. Krill - be careful clicking on each turd. only one of the turds will lead you to the real turd. turd. turd. turd. turd. turd.

find it yet? it's ok if you didn't/ i mean i'll look at you the same and you've probably heard it already. release the new disco doom single dan. you know which one. i've been drinking and watching that video over and over again like i've done in the past. 
ok now i've downloaded that video (through illegal sources) and edited it to just the song. drastic times call for drastic measures.

10. Trail of Dead - anytime i hear there's gonna be new ToD i get excited. pretty lame sentence there, huh. but i really don't know what to expect. also count midnight masses at this spot too. 
fight me jason reece and then accept my friend request on facebook. it's been like 3 years, c'mon.

11. Princess Reason - holy shit. this just came out so i must update the p-rankings and make it an even eleven. 

Outside lookin in: Disco Doom (they will not be in the top ten until the new song is released) Meat Wave, Tungsten, Heaven for Real, Euphoria Again, Like Like The The The Death

288. Ava Luna

BIG UPS INTERVIEW

i conducted a very professional interview with this band that goes by Big Ups and here it is, right below, copied exactly from our chat. i stayed up very late to do this and now i'll be tired making guns tomorrow. so "buy" their new thing.

 wearebigups:  crack a brewww

 me:  ok first things first thx for the beer in ny. and the lp. and for doing this bc i know you are very "busy"...

 wearebigups:  not that busy apparently

 me:  oh; youre supposed to say "youre welcome" there

 wearebigups:  thanks hayden

 me:  wth---nevermind. heres the first question:.. i like how you label yourself nerdcore but would you consider big ups "hardcore"?

 wearebigups:  nah big ups is not hardcore... maybe we use some sounds/themes from hardcore but we definitely aren't hardcore.

you can't really be hardcore unless u self identify that way i think

its more than a sound

 me:  i wish you would've said you were hardcore because then i wouldve been like oh yeah? then explain this! shows link to amar's bandcamp

 wearebigups:  haha ya amar's bandcamp is like chillwave mellowcore guitar time

not chillwave really

but mellowtime

nice internet sleuthing

 me:  more like "wasteoftime" buurrrnnn

ok next question

are you gonna text me every time you watch CONTACT?

 wearebigups:  i just watched contact 2 days ago

i might. but i can't imagine watching it again for a few months

might try reading the book tho

i will not text u about that unless u really want me to

 me:  contact is terrible, but it is a fun discussion topic

 wearebigups:  its not terrible

u just have bad memories about it

rotten tomatoes give it 3 *s

just looked it up

 me:  what the hell was up with the alien shit but william fichtner is a fantastic supporting actor. which brings me to my next question: 

what is the best movie ever made that starts with Con?

not contact

 wearebigups:  ummm

...

con man?

is that a movie?

 me:  might be but not the answer we're looking for. we were looking for CON AIR

 wearebigups:  :/

never seen it

u can call ur record con air

 me:  welp this is not gonna go well as the next 15 questions were about con air and nicolas cage

 wearebigups:  i like nic cage

bad lieutenant

yellin n shit

 me:  of course everybody like nc

 wearebigups:

 me:  ok but now we're off topic; let's go back to talking about the big ups

THE BIG UPS

 wearebigups:  ok

 me:  THE BIG UPS

 wearebigups:  no

no

no

 me:  it's easier that way, you need the THE

 wearebigups:  i hate 'the'

i don't like 'the'

 me:  los grandes ups any better?

 wearebigups:  nope

 me:  who's the best band currently on exploding on sound records?,,,...

in what an idiotic mistake

 wearebigups:  what?

u mean what is the best idiotic band on EIS?

 me:  no. i said exploding on sound instead of "in sound" and tried to correct my mistake.

 wearebigups:  oooooooo

 me:  we know the best idiotic band already!

 wearebigups:  i see

ur really gonna make me pick one?

 me:  top 3

in order

 wearebigups:  top 3

ok...

1. pilekalmarksovlovtwoinchastronaut

2. palehounddiscodoomspeedyortizmydadbad/fathistorymonth

 me:  i'll count 1. as the top 3 which is a solid selection

oh shit i forgot. did you have fun at that extravaganza on new years eve eve

 wearebigups:  3.krillporchesgrassisgreen

yes

i did

 me:  i was there

 wearebigups:  i prob missed an EIS band on my lsit

fuck

yah i bought u a beer

 me:  i was looking good

 wearebigups:  u know i kinda look like u

same hair dog

but ur way taller than me

 me:  im new stand in for big ups joe?

i can't dunk

 wearebigups:  if u wanna do it sometime

 me:  :(

 wearebigups:  that's cool

nah u can play shows drunk

 me:  sweeeeet

 wearebigups:  i just dont get too drunk b/c then i wanna puke

i heard u puked on krill

 me:  thats not funny

 wearebigups:  just what i heard

 me:  it wouldve been cool if i did emit on one of the krill

but it was just outside the car i guess

 wearebigups:  good job!

 me:  i blame regina's garbage pizza

 wearebigups:  never been there

garbage pizza...

gross

 me:  yeah it definitely wasn't from drinking too much

 wearebigups:  puking sux

 me:  f-ing regina's man. i blacked out after ovlov/grass is green/sat nite duets and that was way worse - hangover and such but nothing came up

:)

:)

 wearebigups:  i gotta listen to this sat nite duets i guess huh?

 me:  yeah of course but their new vid is weak,,,, wait did something important happen for bu today

 wearebigups:  our record came out in uk is that wat ur referring to?

 me:  lol why not the us

 wearebigups:  bc records traditionally come out on tues in us

its the PR machine man

 me:  yeah duh i thought you were afraid to release it the same day of vacation vinny

 wearebigups:  dude vacation vinny rules

 me:  im a yeddo man myself

 wearebigups:  well...

i like vacation vin

 me:  who is @boogerspit

 wearebigups:  dave spak told me about andy + sam's old band

i want to hear that

boogerspit is mike quigley

 me:  dogs w/o borders is ayt

 wearebigups:  thatsss the one

 me:  explain the cover of 18 hours because i don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be

 wearebigups:  it's a space beach. i thought u watched contact w/ ur physics teacher

 me:  not in that sense

in physics "class"

 wearebigups:  don't sound like class

 me:  this whole thing's going in the interview like the time i chatted w/ a girl on mormon chat.org and told her maybe someday we'd meet up in heaven. word for word

 wearebigups:  are u a mormon?

 me:  who you calling a moron

wait no

 wearebigups:  no one i was asking

if u were mormon

 me:  no i'm not but sometimes i wish i was

 wearebigups:  y?

 me:  it's a joke; not really.

 wearebigups:  o

just wanna say hi

its carl

 me:  who

 wearebigups:  i'm playing a game called pathfinder

o dang it carlos is jumpin in on the gchat

and i'm an elven rogue

so it's pretty cool

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathfinder_Roleplaying_Game

that's all

wiley ol carlos

 me:  we are off topic

 wearebigups:  a little bit

is carlos still here?

 me:  i think he's gone

 wearebigups:  ok

it's joe again... OR IS IT

?

(it is)

dickbutt

me:  i'm trying to conjure a good question but i haven't done my research like i usually do. why do you call it 18 hours of static when it's only 27 minutes long? you know what you can do in 27 minutes instead

of listening to it

 wearebigups:  what?

eighteen hours of static is more contact reference

 me:  i was trying to insult your art -- - goddamn it

 wearebigups:  i thought u were gonna say like, 'you can do something worthwhile in 27 mins lololol'

 me:  you could watch the scene where jake busey blows up the space station probably 15 times in 27 minutes

or masturbate 2x

 wearebigups:  thats the 2nd sweetest scene in the movie

not masturbating

theres no masturbating in the movie

 me:  masturbating to jodie foster in contact

!

 wearebigups:  y wud u do that?

 me:  i was implying you do that

 wearebigups:  there's nothing sexxxy about the movie

i kinda do... mentally

 me:  then if 18 hours is inspired by contact so much why have songs like goes black and atheist self help because isn't the big man upstairs technically in contact. i don't know for sure. it is a shit movie

 wearebigups:  well yeah there's lots of stuff about faith/science dualities

 me:  go on..

 wearebigups:  and there's a little bit of stuff like that on the record... but mostly like figuring out yr self

and how to deal with life

and dark shit

 me:  hehe

it gives me a headache

 me:  the topic of religion; sorry if you thought i meant 18 hours..

turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd

turd

 wearebigups:  sorry

i just went pee

how many turds is that?

 me:  whatever 3 turds and space while holding ctrl+v down for a few seconds is

 wearebigups:  ur good

 me:  god

 wearebigups:  bold

 me:  carlos is a nerd

 wearebigups:  for real! he was playing battleship or some shit

and he works for google

kinda

 me:  remember when you were like "here's our new tour van" and it was a pic of a UPS truck?

that was a good joke

not

 wearebigups:  die

 me:  write a song about it

 wearebigups:  that was prob carlos

BURN

that was a good joke

thats why i like u hayden

 me:  everybody likes me duh but you're not haydencore

 wearebigups:  guess thats true

 me:  but really you should tour in a fedex van. people would be like "whaaaat???"

 wearebigups:  it wasn't battleship

it was pathfinder

CARLOS

again

 me:  who is the lamer carlos: ava luna carlos or Big ups carlos?

 wearebigups:  Nissan Pathfinder lol

the movie battle ship scked tho

carlos!

i don't know Ava Luna carlos

but he makes good records

at silent barn

 me:  that's not what ive heard

get it because i've heard those records

 wearebigups:  so he's prob better than 'butting in on interviews' carlos

thanks for inviting me tho

i've changed the gmail passwprd

it's smoehting 'dickbutt42069

sorry carlos is ruining this

haven't u heard of journalism carlos??

get out of the interview

 me:  yeah dude what do you think of contact

 wearebigups:  is that question for carlos? because we already talked bout that

 me:  yeah

 wearebigups:  carlos answer the question

 me:  depends on what he answers determines whether he stays in or not

 wearebigups:  carlos are u there?

he might be gone again

i think it is

wanting to be very smart, and the original material is pretty good

but only half delivers

in the movie

the romance kinda blows it

but that's hollywood

bread and boners

 me:  I'M NOT A DISPOSER but please dispose of carlos from this interview

 wearebigups:  carlos u just got cut

git outta here

(u just misquoted the lyrics tho hayden)

it's ANOTHER DISPOSER

but how are u supposed to know?

 me:  that's why i changed it because i can't get rid of him; only you can. please don't question my journalistic integrity

 wearebigups:  ok

well im trying to get rid of him but he does as he pleases

 me:  LYRICS MEAN NOTHING. TIME MEANS NOTHING. WHAT WE CALL LIFE IS A FARCE

 wearebigups:  he's probably in his apt laughing his ass off

woah

calm down

u ok?

 me:  i thought i was headed down your alley with that one

 wearebigups:  time means a lot

time is $$

i dont got not alley

i dont got no alley

where's the alley i'm lost

 me:  it's a figure of speech. i thought i was relating to you by being dark

 wearebigups:  well yah we all feel dark sometimes right?

 me:  yeah krill's a bunch of wusses

 wearebigups:  i just listened to infinite power

 me:  http://www.lpaonline.org/

 wearebigups:  why did u send me that?

 me:  you like the midgetmen?

 wearebigups:  yah

i get it

nice segue

 me:  and jimmy fallon has his own show and i don

't

 wearebigups:  someday

 me:  other then yourselves who should be my first musical guest (trail of dead/pile are busy)?

 wearebigups:  prob dead wives u love them right?

 me:  yes but i may have upset them

 wearebigups:  how?

 me:  and they're barely real

 wearebigups:  pretty real to me i have seem them 2x

 me:  ......

 wearebigups:  is that 'no comment'?

 me:  https://twitter.com/malfc/statuses/418242166121824256

 wearebigups:  why did u do that?

sounds pretty mean

i guess ur mean though right?

 me:  http://i2.cdn.turner.com/money/2009/12/10/news/companies/pbr_pabst_blue_ribbon.fortune/pabst_beer.03.jpg

that's why x15

 wearebigups:  o boy

 me:  i am vile

 wearebigups:  WE ALL ARE

(get it, i'm being dark)

 me:  i don't have a reasonable explanation but it was no slap

 wearebigups:  i wasnt there

lol

so i dunno

who to believe

 me:  thats what my lawyers told me to say

for legal purposes

 wearebigups:  good luck in court

do u like our record?

is it bad?

 me:  all rise for judge judy for the case dead wives vs @hkarnutz

 wearebigups:  dude u all should go on judge judy

you ever hear about the time that band teeth mountain went on JJ?

look it up

 me:  do you think i have that kind of time i'm conducting an interview here.

sorry dead wives

mucho respecto

 wearebigups:  is this interview over yet?

 me:  has it started

 wearebigups:  im sorry i like u hayden

i don't even know

 me:  what's not to like

 wearebigups:  thats what im saying ur a good guy... but this interview we gotta finish soon

easily the most time ive spent on chat since the AIM days

 me:  i have to be up to go to the gun factory at 5 am central us time

 wearebigups:  sorry

go to bed

 me:  we will all "go to bed" one day

for a final time

dark

 wearebigups:  die

die

die

die

deathy

 me:  18 hours of static gets an 8.7 from me

 wearebigups:  out of?

 me:  shit

i don't know probably 10

 wearebigups:  kewl

 me:  so short

 wearebigups:  27 min staticc

 me:  i think im outta of questions.

contact still sucks though

 wearebigups:  good because we been gchatting for like 2 hrs

sorry about carlos

but it will probably be funny

 me:  i gotta shower too

 wearebigups:  at least hard for you as an interviewer

ok bye hayden

 me:  bye carlos

 wearebigups:  this is joe

bye

 me:  good lucj

 wearebigups:  :/

me:  :] get off line

 wearebigups:  i cant promise anything carlos or amar or brendan might still be on

 me:  they shall be ignored like when you go solo

 me:  oh i see now (put this in italics) you're done replying