Interview: DEAD WIVES; YES, THAT DEAD WIVES

i hope you enjoyed the grammys if you watched them. good job with all the "*insert obscure band name here* got snubbed" jokes. i was watching armageddon instead. but since that movie had so many commercials i tried to watch some of the grammys during the break but it too was on commercial. so then i watched the hangover part 2. i think it's ok but i've only seen it 1.5ish times. fuck those stupid robots. anyways here is a brand new interview you can read or print off and eat. either way just digest it.

i feel like i'm obligated to so here's all of dead wives stuff and according to last.fm they're "on tour"
bandcamp
face book 
twitter
myspace
good luck finding them anywhere else

H: why does my aunt always make lasagna every time there's a get together at her house?

DW: She's probably into Garfield.

H: what was it like to finally play in front of yours truly?

DW: I was nervous. By the way Hayden, thank you so much for not heckling. You also requesting 2 songs, one of which we actually had practiced, and you later tweeting that you want to sign us to your new label, ensuring us with the millions of dollars that we so rightfully deserve. I don't think Drummer Mike or Jumanji were nervous, but I was kinda buggin. Hayden, you are too powerful and intimidating. You're like the remote mob boss of Exploding In Sound.

H: You brought back the night terrors by saying jumanji. the monkey boy is evil

DW: Well his real name is Julian, but my cousin used to call him "The Ju Man," and eventually "Ju-Man" was expanded to "Jumanji." I'm pretty sure I saw this movie in the 90s, but I didn't pay attention very well. They play Jethro Tull in one part.

H: lowt ide?

lowt ide.

lowt ide!

DW: I'm happy you brought this up. Lowt Ide is not even music. My neighbor who used to piss on cats could make a better album than this. Lowt Ide's first album was mostly comprised of hedge clipper noises and a few songs where 80s (this dude we call 80s) would play flashy guitar solos while surrounded by chainsaws and rotting corpses. They're a disgusting stain on our beloved nation. If it hadn't been for Lowt Ide, Michael Jackson would still be alive today. The Satanists finally have a band to call their own. I think they think they're funny or something, but they're not. They used to hang out at Anal Cunt shows handing out job resumes and Lowt Ide CDs, where a writer from the Trumbull Times caught a listen and wrote their first big review: "I couldn't even get 5 seconds into this record without having to put my hands over my ears. By the time i had rushed over to the stereo to stop this horrendous atrocity, my speakers had blown out. Thanks a lot guys." They are a communist conspiracy designed by the government to distract the masses with their Satanic propensities. Their albums are funded by generous corporate sponsorship. Great men such as Billy Mays and Steve Jobs sealed their fate once writing grant checks to Lowt Ide. It's not a coincidence that they've since been eliminated. Lowt Ide's next album "Tag Sale" will be released in the Spring of 2014.

H: where is the dead wives doll today?

DW: It was in my grandma's house, but someone in my family might have taken it.

H: what was the inspiration behind don't stop bleeding. the lyrics are very enticing. it's probably the best song in the whole wide world

DW: I came home from work and that melody was stuck in my head. I think it sounds kinda stupid, but we turned it into a song anyway. I thought it sounded like Thurston Moore at first. The second part of the song came together about 8 months later after listening to Japandroids' "Post-Nothing" way too many times. The lyrics are purposely absurd. 

H: can you send me the dead wives doll

DW: I don't know where it is. But wherever it ended up, i'm sure it's really gross and covered in dust and dirt. 

H: i mean i will probably give you something for it

DW: Oh, well in that case maybe. 

H: do you believe in magic 

DW: And i hope you do. You'll always have a friend wearin' big red shoes.

H: you are dating yourself with that reference

H: let's not talk about lip keebler's dead wives

DW: Fair enough.

H: what does the future hold for dead wives? hibernation?

DW: Definitely not hibernation. More music and shows. Drummer Mike is engineering and mixing our full length. Two more 8-song demos may arrive within the next few months to complete Lip's Basement Trilogy. 

H: do you ever just sit on the couch and go man i am dead wives, i wish all my other projects could be this cool

DW: This happens with Lowt Ide.

H: i hope in 20-30 years dead wives is in a bank of america card commercial like the one with the old ladies and you're buying a weird beer and the rest of dead wives give you a wtf look but you too shrug it off like whatevs.

DW: Oh, you mean like the band actually appearing in a commercial. I thought you just meant one of our songs. Sadie says hi.

H: happy 13th birthday, are you pregnant yet?

DW: Good song. That's our Maroon 5 collab. I have very little memory of recording it.

H: let's make this a dead wives/lowt ide interview

DW: Yes, well, Lowt Ide has a release called "Tag Sale" coming out very soon. We've been recording it since 2009. Sadly, we were not able to include the lost classic "Pene de Caballo" (Spanish for "horse penis"), but it may be included on a future Lowt Ide album.

H: lowt ide #1 

DW: Lowt Ide ruined my life.

H: nah we better not do that. have you fucked a cement truck?

DW: I don't remember which song that is. Possibly one of the metal jams.

H: ok i'm done using lowt ide song titles as questions

DW: Okay!

H: aren't you like a librarian in real life?

DW: No, I go to school for library stuff. I might work at a college library someday maybe.

H: what is a normal saturday night like for dead wives? 

DW: Jumanji watches a lot of NBA and he's in The Screw-ups. Drummer Mike teaches guitar and drums n stuff, and he's like a rock band coach or something. I play shows with Speedy Ortiz a lot.

H: i just learned there are two mikes in dead wives

H: dead wives. dead wives. dead wives forever. dead wives forever and ever. what a great name dead wives is. nobody ever uses dead in a band name

DW: I'm kinda upset about the lack of Krill-related questions. We're aware that other bands have the word "dead" in their name, as unbelievable as that may sound. Dead Wives is named after the song "My Wife and My Dead Wife" by Robyn Hitchcock.

H: how many children do you have

DW: Do sperm count?

H: what would dead wives do with $50

DW: Shawarma with hummus and falafel. And beer.

H: do you like venison 

DW: I've never had it before. Tell me about it please. Are you a hunter?

H: deer meat is good. I used to be...

DW: Reformed, I see.

H: I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody! yeah i met that guy. who is the most famous person dead wives has met? yeah go ahead and say me that's cool and all but it would be better if you said someone else

DW: I'm not sure who you're referring to, but he sounds amazing. Is he a hunter? We've played with Ovlov who are pretty much the world's most famous band.

H: Obviously you've never seen cool runnings.. 

DW: Actually this was on the other night... I watched about 10 minutes of Cool Runnings with Devin McKnight and Elliot Colbert before falling asleep. If I recall correctly, this was John Candy's posthumous final movie. You might like Ween's "Chocolate and Cheese" LP which was dedicated to John Candy a few months later.

H: you recall incorrectly. his final movie was Canadian Bacon

H: i feel bad for knocking the slut life tape off the table in ny in a poor attempt at humor. it is a very good tape and didnt deserve that

DW: Now that I'm remembering that moment, it was actually kinda funny. Jeff Peck's intro song "10 Guitars" is the most important song on that tape.

H: what makes you cry

DW: "B-Kind" by Grass Is Green. Sad puppies are dicks because they make me feeling guilty for not crying at them.

H: should i become a cop

DW: God help us all.

H: look at yourself.. why don't you do something with your life

DW: Beer is something.

H: that's seinfeld

H: if you were not dead wives what would you be doing instead

DW: Abstract paintings of Hayden Karnutz.

H: if you could spell my name right that would be swell. please, it's right there in the email

DW: Ok... "Hayden Karnitz." What do I win?

H: probably nothing or a gun i made

H: next time i see dead wives should i wear a tuxedo and smoke a cigar

DW: Like Mr. Peanut? 

H: with a top hat too

DW: Like the Monopoly guy. 

H: but i thought it was still cool to rep that leather jacket last time. i looked tough

DW: Leather jackets are often a crucial accessory. Your leather jacket assists with your image of authority. I'm in a cover band called Gargamel, and the guitar player 80s (we call him "80s" because he's so 80s) occasionally wears a Napalm Death leather jacket to some of our shows. 

H: i told myself i would stop bringing up krill in interviews so let's not talk about them (put this in italics)

DW: Darl just mentioned that Krill should run for office.

H: durl is not too bright if he thinks that

DW: I would vote for Krill. Don't lie. You would vote for Krill. 

H: i mean three people can't run for one office spot

DW: But if they did, they would obviously win

H: you go on sesame street, but NOW YOU'RE DAD WIVES or DECENT WIVES

DW: Definitely Dad Wives. Snuffleupagus is dope.

H: what do you think you received for 2nd prize

DW: Oreo milkshakes.

H: when the fuck did i give you an oreo milkshake

DW: I just want one. Whether or not it's a gift from Hayden makes no diff.

H: omg you play with flatr swamp soon

DW: Yeah, i'm gonna see them in a few days at Berfest and then again when we play with them in Boston. I have double-drummer-emphathy for Theo because he's a songwriting drummer. Eventually, I'd like to book a series of shows featuring all the misfit/outcast "Side project" bands associated with Exploding in Sound. 

H: is this enough questions yet

DW: I was hoping to get more into the conspiracy behind Lowt Ide.

H: i guess that depends on your answers

DW: I guess that depends on your questions.

H: when was the last dead wives interview

DW: Dead Wives doesn't get interviewed because we suck.

H: sometimes i can't sleep but i don;t think it's insomnia yet. just like being nervous and stuff

DW: Oh yeah, those racing thoughts. I hate that shit. Sleeping is better than thinking.

H: lol on king of queens doug (kevin James) just said "i spilled your bath salts". remember when that was the craze

DW: We saw a really scary bath salts dude on the last Speedy Ortiz summer tour. He seemed very unpredictable and dangerous, just kinda wandering around the streets of Seattle. We got scared that he might overpower us and eat our faces, so we yelled something to the effect of "OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK IN THE CAR" and we all raced inside and watched this guy for a minute. He was sorta stumbling around and speaking really intense gibberish to no one in particular. We sped away when he started approaching our car. Seriously frightening.

H: here comes the boom (In the comedy Here Comes the Boom, former collegiate wrestler Scott Voss (Kevin James) is a 42-year-old apathetic biology teacher in a failing high school. When cutbacks threaten to cancel the music program and lay off its teacher (Henry Winkler,) Scott begins to raise money by moonlighting as a mixed martial arts fighter. Everyone thinks Scott is crazy - most of all the school nurse, Bella (Salma Hayek) - but in his quest, Scott gains something he never expected as he becomes a sensation that rallies the entire school.)

DW: I was saying "boo-urns." I'm pretty sure this interview was mostly incomprehensible, but whatever.

H: YOU never answered who killed graph

DW: Chuck Robidoux might be better for this question... As far as I know, their bass player Ry moved to the west coast, and they've occasionally reformed for a few one-off shows ever since. So basically, yes, the rumors are true... @killquilty killed graph. 

H: i've been saying this all along

it's obvious that i am better at MS Paint than krill